So, I realized this morning that I've been looking at my friend problem the exact wrong way. I've been trying to poke and prod my way of thinking and acting, trying to find the flaw of why friendships were hard for me in the past. And even though it made me emotional sometimes, I never came up with anything constructive.
Well, the answer was way more obvious than I gave it credit.
The problem isn't that those people made me wary. They did, and I was heartbroken by how they treated me, but the real problem is that I'm working under the assumption I'm that same girl. I'm not. And the problem isn't I don't know how to connect to people; I make casual friends quite easily.
The problem is that I learned to not need people and now I don't know how to be vulnerable anymore. Because the only reason I ever used to be vulnerable was because my mental disorder was literally holding a gun to my head.
Hell, when I put it that way, maybe I never really knew how to be vulnerable, not organically.
So hey there, let's take a fun peek into daily bipolar life, shall we?
Spoilers: I make it sound more fun than it actually is.
Anyway, many people with mood disorders have mood-tracking apps. Often we don't talk about it because it's kinda just like an annoying log of how we felt that day. Like putting your dog's meds needs on the calendar or your period. Its something useful to have jotted down, but it's not something you normally talk that often about with friends or on the internet.
Maybe you do, but let's just hypothetically say it's not common.
The point of explaining this is that I skipped my daily mood log not for just a day, or a couple days, but a whole half a month.
Perchance it's bold to call myself wicked. Whatever. I do what I want. You're not my real dad.
This fell backwards about five years in humor real fast.
Anyway, so Cage The Elephant song still applies. There ain't no rest. Today is my first full day back on that freelance grind and boy, are we back to chugging forward real fast.
Okay, the title is a little inherently deceptive here. My writer motto is still question everything and I doubt that will ever change. However, I do have a mantra/motto for the upcoming year!
Sure, "new" is also a little deceptive considering I've never had a motto for my life, but still! It may be new, but it's also my first. Ever.
Let's just focus on that exciting part about having order for my next year, okay?
And to kick off the year, how about we talk about that motto: Enhance and Enjoy.