January 3rd, 2020: Hindsight Lying

So hey there, let's take a fun peek into daily bipolar life, shall we?

Spoilers: I make it sound more fun than it actually is. 

Anyway, many people with mood disorders have mood-tracking apps. Often we don't talk about it because it's kinda just like an annoying log of how we felt that day. Like putting your dog's meds needs on the calendar or your period. Its something useful to have jotted down, but it's not something you normally talk that often about with friends or on the internet. 

Maybe you do, but let's just hypothetically say it's not common. 

The point of explaining this is that I skipped my daily mood log not for just a day, or a couple days, but a whole half a month. 

Now, normally when I skip a day I'm patient and kind and just fill it in the next day. After all, these are maintenance steps to keep track of myself, not a life or death situation. I'll even cover a few days if they were particularly crazy and I jsut sincerely did not have any energy by the time it got to filling them in. 

But, like I said, it wasn't just an exception situation. I avoided them. I stopped them. I even actively ignored them when my notifications popped up.

Really, that was the first sign I was not my best self in December. The other signs were the sinus infection and depression and severe procrastination, but still. You feel my drift. I think the fact I avoided my mood tracker so aggressively was a sign that things really weren't going so well for my brain. 

But, you know, hindsight is 20/20. 

There's so many puns there, but I'm just going to let them sit there. I think it would be lamer if I tried to make something out of them. 

Anyway, so last night? I did my first mood tracker entry since the 10s of December. And I didn't go back and try to fix what I missed and keep my streak. I did have one going for over 200 days, but an achievement is not worth lying about where I'm at. 

And where I'm at is recovering. I hit an aggressive depression spike, even thinking some dark shit that really should have been more of a red flag. But I think I just didn't want to see it, and it's only now, with that 2020 hindsight, that I can look at it real sober and acknowledge that I was not well.

On the plus side, I only feel open saying this because I feel so much better now. Not perfect (I think I did spike a little manic afterwards, so coping with chilling that out) but I am playing piano and watching shows and writing and making yummy food and finding ways to become my better self. It's all very exciting. 

Enjoy and enhance. We're working on it. 

Oh, and I learned the crazy frog song! But I need to print out some sheet music and start learning things a little more seriously. And I have been sharing my fun-fiction! Yes, that flub was on purpose and I'm really hopeful that it'll just bring some fun levity to my life right now. 

​Wish me luck!