I spent my entire childhood with one goal: to write a book.

When you're miserable and feel like dying, you really hang onto one thing to feel like you have purpose. For me, that was it.

Years later, though, with several books written and medication and a comfortable level of stability, i have to look back and ask: so what now?

​Just like living, creating was this race to beat out my disorder. To do as much as I could before I lost the game. 

But what do I do now that (much to my surprise) I've won? 

It's really bizarre, because you're not quite capable of doing things exactly the same anymore. And weirder, you don't even know if you want to. 

For example, I still love writing books. I do have two projects I'm soft working on because I like the ideas of them and want to explore what I create. But is it my aggressive, need-to-be-done-or-I'll-die aspiration anymore?

Not really. And that's weird to swallow. 

I have other hobbies i want to explore. For example, i want to learn piano. I want to sing more. I even want to play with fashion a bit,which is really wild, but considering I grew up where the two fashion styles were "Cheerleader" or "scared of your own body" I didn't really think it was an option). But holy hell is quirky, nerdy fashion fun. So is concepts like Disney-bounding or (more in my case) "Trek"-bounding, where I turn something from a favorite show into a normal outfit. That's neat as hell. I love putting secret references in things. 

And of course there's streaming. I love it. I enjoy working off the energy of a crowd and using my weird encyclopedic knowledge and singing and whatever to make the experience more fun and zany. Sure, it helps I play things wrong and am a stubborn goofball, but I like that. I like just being me and it being cool and exciting. 

That's where I'm at, I guess. I'm still Stephanie the writer, but I'm more than just Stephanie the author. It isn't me abandoning my dreams or ruining everything the scared, hurt me fought for. Instead, it's me finally getting to be a more well-rounded person that the younger me never was healthy enough to be. 

​In itself, that's an amazing step of evolution. All I have to do now is keep fighting for it. 

Hello folks. If y'all are new to me, you might not know I stream. I keep things slightly separated, having a separate Instagram and Twitter for the channel and going under a name. 

However, it's not like I'm trying very hard to hide my name. Hiding who I am isn't a thing I'm good at nor do I like.   

But gist is, who I am online is something still forming. But i think I'm finally hitting an understanding of who that is. If I'm being honest, I knew before. I just was stubborn and was trying not to be pigeon-holed, but it's not pigeon-holing if it's who you are, right?

Anyway, what I mean to be saying is that I am a singer. I am a gamer. I am a storyteller. So role-playing game where I create a character with a story and I make my own goofy challenges and I sing fitting music to accompany the journey? 

That's where I belong. 

I don't need to be anyone else. 

So, in other news, I am doing a Fallout 3 play-through and starting my Mass Effect adventure back up. I am singing angsty rock for the former, 80's jams for the latter. And that sounds right and fun. It's more who i am. 

It's funny how easy it is for me to make mistakes and try being other people. It's almost like i was raised that way, to fit other people's ideas. And I fall back into it so quickly and with such ease that I don't even realize I'm doing it until it starts hurting and feeling really wrong. I do that with work, with life, with my goddamn hobbies. Streaming has absolutely nothing to do with my upbringing, but boy did I start trying to be a more typical streamer for a bit, playing Valorant and whatnot. Granted, i still like Valorant and will still play, but does it make it my thing? Is it the streaming that make me helplessly giggle and revved up by the end? Absolutely not. 

I enjoy the stories. Nothing quite hits the same as Punchy Tits running around the wastelands with only her fists and baseball bats at her side, Strength and Agility at 10 but Intelligence at 1, hunting down her scientist father. 

Like seriously, just from hearing about her what did he expect? For her to survive a day by herself in a Vault? Absolutely not. 

I'm just rambling now, but even trying to be like people I like wasn't working. I love simmers and sim building, but trying to be myself during that? Not my forte. So while I find sims building relaxing, it isn't really what I'm good at entertaining with. 

So back to weird characters and stupid self-challenges and adventure I go. and I'm pretty happy about that. 

I should just be me everywhere else, too, shouldn't I? The goofy, nerdy, thoughtful kind, right? 

Time for me to do something else, some showering and editing and writing then more editing and the whole gambit. But I think it's good to sit down and be like "fuck yeah, you distracted weirdo, just be you". 

That felt more cathartic and comforting than should be legal. 

​Happy Friday, folks, and keep being yourselves, too. 

Right off the bat, I am NOT here to pretend I am some great sociological mind. I am just a casual psychology fan trying to figure out the things in my life, and today I am transfixed by anti-vax. And to get anything done today, I have to get it out. 

So I think there's a serious element of the anti-vax movement that is rooted in control. 

The more the internet exists, and the more information is out there. When it comes to parenting, that is a double edged sword. There's more to help you and learn to take better care of your kids, but there's also more knowledge of the horrible dangers of the world. 

And, unfortunately, with all the threats out there, vaccinations are one of the biggest "scary" things that parents feel like they can control. They can't stop kidnappers or erase guns or execute all drunk drivers before they get within a mile radius of their kids. But vaccinations? Those are something they have direct and deliberate influence over. 

Now, I will choose not to go into the gross implications of preferring a dead kid over a possibly autistic/disabled one. That's a different societal problem that is multiple levels of ableist and awful. But it is a problem so I'll touch upon it quickly here: being autistic doesn't doom your kid, even if vaccinations did make people autistic (which they don't). So always choose life. 

But back to the point. 

Faced with theoretical threats aimed at their children, these parents are grasping at straws for possible danger and trying to eliminate it. Even if it doesn't make sense, even if it's ill-advised. Because they are scared for their babies and, even if there's a chance they could be endangered, they don't want to take that chance. Because vaccinations seem a lot more of a direct threat than history-book illnesses (even though that's proven untrue).

But hey, we're trying to think middle-to-upper class parent and the exercise of control they try to put on the world in hopes of the "best interest" of their child. 

I don't mean to seem mocking in my proverbial air-quotes, but at the end of the day, while the psychological fear makes sense, it's the fact it stays so short-sighted and reactionary that becomes the problem.

Everyone is so afraid for their children and only want the best for them. That makes sense. Having vaccines put into your kids when they're so young giving you some anxiety, especially after some stories you read on the internet scared you, makes sense. But then basing an entire life ideology around it just feels like a scenario where one is letting the fear win. 

It's like if one person read a bunch of stories about kids getting hit by drunk drivers so they never took their kids in a car again and didn't let them get their license. The fear is real and the threat feels real. But tearing your whole life down in the process, and cutting them off from people, doesn't. 

In the end, it hurts a kid more than protects them. 

I don't expect to change any minds with this little blog, and if anyone finds it, I'm sure it'll probably just be people who already agree with me. Confirmation bias and all. But I can't help but think this is a new, dangerous brand of helicopter parenting that is rooted in uncontrolled fear-based reactions. The feelings make enough sense, but possibly making your kids unable to go to school or possible carrier for diseases that could kills others is just going too far. 

People need to see past their own noses and get a glance at the big picture, but when you're scared, staring at this one puzzle piece you feel like you can control is easier. Safer. 

Even if its at the cost of your own kid's safety and the safety of kids around them.