I spent my entire childhood with one goal: to write a book.
When you're miserable and feel like dying, you really hang onto one thing to feel like you have purpose. For me, that was it.
Years later, though, with several books written and medication and a comfortable level of stability, i have to look back and ask: so what now?
Just like living, creating was this race to beat out my disorder. To do as much as I could before I lost the game.
But what do I do now that (much to my surprise) I've won?
It's really bizarre, because you're not quite capable of doing things exactly the same anymore. And weirder, you don't even know if you want to.
For example, I still love writing books. I do have two projects I'm soft working on because I like the ideas of them and want to explore what I create. But is it my aggressive, need-to-be-done-or-I'll-die aspiration anymore?
Not really. And that's weird to swallow.
I have other hobbies i want to explore. For example, i want to learn piano. I want to sing more. I even want to play with fashion a bit,which is really wild, but considering I grew up where the two fashion styles were "Cheerleader" or "scared of your own body" I didn't really think it was an option). But holy hell is quirky, nerdy fashion fun. So is concepts like Disney-bounding or (more in my case) "Trek"-bounding, where I turn something from a favorite show into a normal outfit. That's neat as hell. I love putting secret references in things.
And of course there's streaming. I love it. I enjoy working off the energy of a crowd and using my weird encyclopedic knowledge and singing and whatever to make the experience more fun and zany. Sure, it helps I play things wrong and am a stubborn goofball, but I like that. I like just being me and it being cool and exciting.
That's where I'm at, I guess. I'm still Stephanie the writer, but I'm more than just Stephanie the author. It isn't me abandoning my dreams or ruining everything the scared, hurt me fought for. Instead, it's me finally getting to be a more well-rounded person that the younger me never was healthy enough to be.
In itself, that's an amazing step of evolution. All I have to do now is keep fighting for it.