June 26th, 2020: I'm Not Good With Not Goodbyes

​

As none of you know, because I haven't been blogging much, I've been trying to live my most authentic, shameless life. Well, I finally took the biggest step necessary towards that and it has relieved me of so many stress and expectations. 

And yet, at the same time, it's caused a lot of chaos and pain in me. 

I told my parents that they weren't good ones to me. Even neater, I exposed all the things about me that I'd been keeping secret from them because they filled me with such shame and trepidation that I didn't feel like it was worth it: bisexual, autistic me. 

Considering a lot of people on the internet knew that but they didn't is... well, kinda proves part of the problem. 

I don't want to re-hash all the reasons I feel like they did it all wrong. I'm tired of that. There's only so many times you can describe the ways they made your struggles about them before it feels like some tired script to a repetitive Hollywood movie that's going to get green-lit just because Oscars are coming up and boy do we need some depressing Oscar-bait. 

This is the first time, though, that I've "broken up" with someone and it be a "temporary" thing. Most times, i lay out my cards and say "fuck it, bye". I'm not good with the in-between. Maybe it comes with the autism thing or just comes with me. Not quite sure on that yet. 

But supposedly we're on a break. I opened up about all the things that hurt and asked for space. I don't know if space was me being an intelligent, mature human or me just putting off the inevitable. I think that's the true reason I'm struggling with this situation: I no longer feel fear that they'll "find out" and the jig will be up and I have to deal with them. I literally told them I won't be their therapist anymore. 

However, at the same time, I didn't use my old "I can't deal with this situation so it's over now" bravado. It's harder to do that when on some level, I like my parents. Just not as... well, y'know, parents. 

So I'm in this limbo where I don't expect better of them, I know we've reached a tipping point, and I just have to pray they learned something by the time I talk to them because otherwise...

Well, it'll really be over, won't it? 

At least, until they decide to do something about things. Because I can't keep trying. It's taking so much out of me. Just in the past week I was able to get so much more done without any weight of their existence on me. Trust me, I get how messed up that sounds, but it was like I came out about everything. It's like I was three times in the closet for like a decade and I finally got to shrug that shit off because it was killing me. 

If I'm lucky, maybe we can be something again down the road. That's what I'd like and hope, but it would require a lot of soul searching and from what I've seen... it's just not their thing. I hope it could become their thing. But all I can do is see and accept that maybe, at the end of this "break" things might just stay really, really broken. 

I can't be quiet about it anymore, though. I'd prefer a broken teacup shattered on the floor for everyone to stare at than be some shameful thing I hide in my shelves. 

Shameless, authentic me is the happiest me. And I can't keep tossing myself in and out of the closet just because my parents may not be the good kind for me. It hurts too much and it's helped make a mess out of an already understandably messy human.

I'm 24; it's about time to just focus on me and what I want for the first time in my goddamn life.