December 10th: The Saga of Sinus Infections

So let me take you back in time, on a theater stage under bright lights, practicing for a musical that I never mattered in. It was my sophomore year and I was trying so hard to be noticed in a space where the theater director really didn't care about kids that weren't her drama kids. And I was also an anxious, nuerodivergent choir girl with so many insecurity complexes. 

But that isn't the point here. 

The point is that just as I was standing there, trying way too hard for how little everyone else cared about me, when one of the musical's knights brought back his arm to pretend to brandish a sword and, instead, smashed my nose. 

And I don't mean that he just hit it. It started bleeding and this ridge that all my family has on their nose? Well, it was significantly smaller than before. 

Optimistic and super body dysmorphic, I was obsessed with the fact the stupid ridge on my nose was tiny now. My face now looked more like what I wanted I also refused to come to terms with the fact that yes, this guy broke my nose. 

He kept on apologizing and asking if i was hurt, but I just insisted "no, it's just like, dented".

That's not how noses work. And it came with unintended consequences.

Ever since that fateful day, every winter I had wicked sinuses. They were always so clogged and uncomfortable, but I just kinda got used to them.

That is, until one year I got my flu shot late and got sicker than I've ever been before. I was sweating throughout the night, couldn't sleep, and couldn't leave bed. My mom came all the way to my college to help take me home for the weekend and to the doctor. 

Y'see, the flu shot is a small dosage of the virus to help your body protect itself against the stronger, realer versions of the strain. At least, that's the lame, not very eloquent and probably not perfectly correct description of it. 

But, since I was having these terrible sinus experiences, the flue shot completely combusted when meshing with the shit I was already sick with. 

Yeah, so the doctor and I talked and after telling her my symptoms and how often my face is pressurized and stuffy, she told me I get sinus infections. And chronically, probably. And worse, they can be caused by a deviated septum, which can happen when a nose is broken. 

Because of the severity, she sent me off with antibiotics and a few days bed rest.

So yeah, I played my goddamn self and have been unable to take a flu shot since, because I so often have them and they make me dangerously sick. 

Now, why the hell am I telling this story?

For one, I have a sinus infection right now. And it's a doozy. I haven't had one in awhile so my body isn't as acclimated anymore and I haven't been reacting very well. 

More importantly, though, I just want to take a moment to note what happens sometimes when you don't take your health seriously. I completely brushed off that broken nose and now I have a messy deviated septum that can't breath well and gives me hardcore, chronic sinus infections. It's quite the escalation. 

Not that I blame myself, I was a super insecure child living in a culture of "keep yourself okay". So, in a better space in a better world, maybe I could've gotten it cared after when it happened, not when it's way too late and I just have to deal with these things.

In other news, I need to go to the dentist. 

​A habit of ignoring health needs is a hard one to break, isn't it?